Who Understands Me but Me

I found this poem in my Lit book and for some reason I really like it.

They turn the water off, so I live without water,
they build walls higher, so I live without treetops,
they paint the windows black, so I live without sunshine,
they lock my cage, so I live without going anywhere,
they take each last tear I have, I live without tears,
they take my heart and rip it open, I live without heart,
they take my life and crush it, so I live without a future,
they say I am beastly and fiendish, so I have no friends,
they stop up each hope, so I have no passage out of hell,
they give me pain, so I live with pain,
they give me hate, so I live with my hate,
they have changed me, and I am not the same man,
they give me no shower, so I live with my smell,
they separate me from my brothers, so I live without brothers,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?
who understands me when I say I have found other freedoms?

I cannot fly or make something appear in my hand,
I cannot make the heavens open or the earth tremble,
I can live with myself, and I am amazed at myself, my love, my beauty,
I am taken by my failures, astounded by my fears,
I am stubborn and childish,
in the midst of this wreckage of life they incurred,

I practice being myself,
and I have found parts of myself never dreamed of by me,
they were goaded out from under rocks in my heart
when the walls were built higher,
when the water was turned off and the windows painted black.
I followed these signs
like an old tracker and followed the tracks deep into myself,
followed the blood-spotted path,
deeper into dangerous regions, and found so many parts of myself,
who taught me water is not everything,
and gave me new eyes to see through walls,
and when they spoke, sunlight came out of their mouths,
and I was laughing at me with them,
wel aughed like children and made pacts to always be loyal,
who understands me when I say this is beautiful?

-Jimmy Santiago Baca

Myspace is the new blogspot.

I hate that I haven't been able to hang out with my friends for a long time.

I love that I went to that tight conference, I learned a lot.

I hate that a lot of my friends are gone, and in college.

I love that a lot of my other friends are here, even though I haven't seen them in forever.

I hate that Eli still has my sunglasses.

I love that I don't have to go to school until 12:15 every day.

I hate that my chem class is on Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I love that they record tnl and make it readily available online so I can still listen to it.

I hate that I don't have a job.

I love that I don't have a job.

I hate that I don't have money.

I love that I got into voice lessons with scary Norwegian lady.

I hate how hard it's going to be.

I love how hard it's going to be.

I hate how I've been feeling ache-y all day.

I love that I've been singing all day (I went platinum, y'know.)

I hate that everyone's in school, so that means we don't get to hang out as long on school nights.

I love that when we do hang out, we do things like karaoke revolution and gymnastics.

I hate that I haven't babysat in forever.

I love kids.

I hate that my sister took the cool curling iron that makes my hair "crunchy"....I like that one.

I love that I have my own bathroom now, it's a lot cleaner.

I hate that I'm the only child, too much attention.

I love where life is going.....I think.

Here's your dang quote.

"Look....harder"

This should be EASY.


Thanks for stopping by San Diego.

back by popular demand

Only because I got a very threatening email....
"I'm really sick of clicking on your link every day and seeing "emo-man." Please, snooky. Do something with this life of yours. end. "
....am I back.

I don't even like blogging. At all. It's stupid for me to just recount what I did today, and I don't have writing ability, not worth mentioning or posting for that matter.

Let's go over some random thoughts I'm having.

I really hate it when you are trying to turn (while driving, of course) and so you are waiting for some joker to pass by you on that street that you are waiting to turn onto....and then they end up turning into the same place you are, but don't use their blinker......

I really love eisley and coldplay.

My butt hurts.

I have laundry and packing to do tomorrow.....and I don't wanna.

I'm so freakin' excited for Mexico. The kids are gonna be so much fun, and I will find goods at the market.

I'm listening to kevin's radio broadcast right now....it's pretty silly, I've laughed more than once.

I'm a bit chilly from that 100% natural "Caribbean Mix" popsicle that I just ate, but it was good.

emo-man

http://www.dobi.nu/emo/

shoes and cars, all at once

Yesterday was the Laday's night out for Crew..and the guys, only not together. It was quite fun. Us ladays went to the thrift store and were sposed to have a "challenge" for whoever could buy the coolest outfit, but we just ended up buying real stuff.

I found these really freakin cute shoes..and I tried one of 'em on, and it fit perfectly..comfy and everything, so I buy them, right guys? Then I put the other one on in the car...and it's a freakin size bigger. So my left shoe is a nine and my right is an 8...I was thoroughly pissed. The girls assured me that you couldn't tell, so maybe I'll just wear them and one will be a little more loose. Silly silly.

But it's ok, because I have a car now! We went to an auction today and bought me a 97 Explorer sport edition, it's really nice. It has some engine (we think) problems, but even if we have to replace the whole thing, it's worth it, because we only spent 2,400 on it. It's black, I love it. http://www.edmunds.com/used/1997/ford/explorer/13613/photogallery.html?pg_type=SUV&imgsrc=%2Fpictures%2FVEHICLE%2F1997%2FFord%2F13613%2F003673-T.jpg it looks pretty much like that.

Sorry for those of you who have a myspace and have read this twice, maybe you should get a life maybe.

mmm Ewoks

"i want to buy you an ewok so it can walk around with you yup "
Would you please? I would enjoy it's company ever so much.

I have a myspace now....*Boo hiss*
Dang peer pressure again. I don't even write in this..I dunno why I got it.

I thoroughly suck at this game of life.

Thanks for stopping by San Diego.

Moore Sucks.

I just watched Farenheit 9/11, nuff said.


He's entitled to his opinion and all, but he doesn't tell the whole truth and that drives me crazy! I don't understand how people can be so stupid as to agree with him.

Woops.

I have $19.30 in unpaid library fines.

Sick and Tired....literally.

I have a cold, I threw up all night last night, cool, right? It sucks. I'm so tired and out of it.

Courtney's birthday is today 05/05/05...yay! The big 18...er something. I made her a cape, it's TAIIIIIGHT! Seriously....everyone should wear capes. Why don't we?

I've had chipotle 3 times this week and each time it's more glorious, I'm an addict.

I am supposed to be working on "my masterpiece" for art class....I haven't decided if I want to paint it or draw it....and if I do draw it, charcoal or pencil? ajlwkej;lwjefl! Give me ideas people.

I really don't know why I posted, felt like I had to, I guess. I'm gonna go die now.

I'm here.

I have not wanted to post for quite a while because...well....I'm lazy, and don't really have anything to talk about. I lead quite the boring life.

I um..I made a skirt yesterday, that's cool right? I painted three pictures this last week..one of which is Phil...which is weird, but I couldn't find anything better.

I really don't like Courtney lately. I frequently let her know that as well. She has been pmsing for like..the past year, or so it seems. I really just wanna kick her right in the ovaries...GRRR....

I saw Emily at the FT show last friday..and I hadn't seen her for like.....oh say, 8 or 9 months, so that was definitely neato. We are gonna hang out in the evening of tomorrow.

I threw up a little bit tonight, no surprise....I do it a lot. (EWW GROSS!)

I wish I didn't hate Courtney so much.

I really like Tiger Lilys, like in Peter Pan. Only I'm not really talking about the character....I originally meant the flower, but the character is neat too. If anyone feels the need to get me flowers, ever....get me some kind of lily...or orchid...NO ROSES! Roses are for pansies (pun intended)

What's this quote? Huh?! "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

I can hear the news downstairs, and a lady in California said she found a finger in her chili at Wendys, and now she's in jail or something.....mmm finger. (Isn't there some kind of cookie type thing called lady fingers?)

All the Cool Kids are doing it

I'm really scared of what people think of me. Most of the time, If I'm feeling confident, it doesn't bother me too much. I tell people I don't care, but I do. I think everyone does, a little.

I'm really moody, alot of people don't know that about me, a few of my really close friends, and my family. That's one of my worst traits, I can be fine around you one second, and then two minutes later, even something as small as you smacking your gum can make me want to strangle you. I have to leave the room alot when I get like that and be by myself so I dont kill someone.

I love my family, most of the time. I'm a lot like my mom which is really scary, and I dont like it alot of the times, but at other times, I'm really glad. We clash alot. She's really negative, and in everything I do, always sees the bad stuff first. Sometimes I want to yell at her and just tell her to see something good in me, for once.

My dad has a really bad temper, I got that from him. He can blow up at any given moment. At other times, he can be really sensitive and just awesome all around. He' s so funny, we do stupid things that irritate my mom and he laughs at it, til his face is red. Then my mom says "don't encourage them". But most of the time we can get her laughing too.

Sometimes I can't stand my oldest sister, Rochelle. She's really naive, it seems. Sometimes I feel like she is a lot younger than me, in certain ways. Some of the things she says just make her sound stupid, and I wan't to laugh in her face. Sometimes we get along really well and have alot of fun. She's really giving, and one of the nicest people ever. I think most of the time, when I hate her, is just because I'm so dang moody.

My sister Courtney can be my best friend, or my enemy. I guess it depends on both of our moods. She's really selfish alot of the times. She does things that hurt our whole family, and it pisses me off so much. Sometimes I want to kill her. She gets in those moods, where everything she does is just to try and make someone mad, I seriously have to hold my hands back to keep from punching her.....if I did, I know she'd just beat me up, she scares me sometimes. She is the one that, when we are both in the right mood, I can have some of the most fun ever with. Neither of us are afraid to "be young" again. We still dress up, when we clean the house, we get dressed up and put on music and dance around like elephants. When we show other people the stupid stuff we do, they dont think it's funny, but it hurts our stomachs, we are laughing so hard. I've cried myself to sleep thinking about how screwed up she is sometimes, how I wish every day with her would be a "good day".

Alot of people know this about my parents, if you ever go to "big church" you know this, because my mom speaks about it sometimes. My mom had an abortion before my parents were married. I have a big sister in heaven. Her name is Jaymie Lyanne Stone. It was an unplanned pregnancy, my parents were still in college, and they had their careers ahead of them. My mom was going to be in the opera.......but shortly after they got married, they got pregnant with my oldest sister, Rochelle, and so basically, they aborted Jaymie for nothing. My mom struggled so much with this, feeling like she was worth nothing. She was really depressed, and said she resented us because we were alive, and Jaymie wasnt. We would go to school when we were little and dictate things to our teachers like, "My mommy sleeps alot" she would get mad at us for little things. I remember when my parents told us about this, I was 9 or 10, and I didnt really understand it, I guess, I was excited because I had an older sister. Later, I got mad, because I had an older sister that I couldn't talk to, or hang out with. Rochelle and Courtney would gang up on me, and I would wish that Jaymie was alive, because I think we would have been really close. Even though I've never met her, I miss her. I used to feel bad if I forgot to think about her, for a day or whatever. I wish she were here.

I can't ever fully trust anyone, even with little things, like them telling me certain things they are gonna do, I've been hurt so many times in my life, that I question everything. This is another thing alot of people dont know about me. I hate the doubt I have in everyone, feeling like they are going to let me down. When they don't, I feel guilty for having those feelings.

I like going to church, seeing people, and hanging out. Like others say though, I do feel like there is a lot of pressure on people to be churchy. I used to fake everything in church, how I was feeling, my relationship with God, because I thought people would hate me if I didn't act that way. Now, if I don't feel it, I don't do it. It doesn't do any good.

I love singing, all the time. It makes me so happy. I love art. Painting and drawing makes me happy. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I have when I spend hours on one thing, and it turns out really cool. I have so much doubt in myself. People tell me that I'm really good at things, or give me compliments. I never believe them. That's where the negativity that I got from my mom kicks in. I don't feel like people are sincere when they compliment me on my art, or my voice, or even how my hair looks that day. I hate being such a negative person, it makes me so mad that I can't just accept everything, and be grateful.

I'm scared of what I will turn out like, the mix of my parents could be deadly, or really awesome. Depending on what I get from each of them. Turning into my own person, and growing up scares me, to death. It also excites me so much. I want to study art, and music, I'm so excited for that, I hope it happens. I am excited to go away from home, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I will do.

I'm a mommy's girl, even though I hate my mom sometimes, when I'm away from her for a really long time, I miss her.

I cry quite often, at times, I like crying, because everything feels so fresh afterwards. I don't like crying in front of people though, because I feel weak.

I love it when people play with my hair, scratch my head, rub my back, I like touchiness. I love hugs, but not the awkward side ones, or the really quick, "I'm hugging you because your arms are open, but I feel really uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna tap your back" ones. I like full contact, squeeze really hard, show 'em you love 'em hugs.

I only have a few people that I can be around for more than a day or two. Constantly being around the same person makes them annoying to me. I hate not liking my friends.

But...I love all of my friends, so much. I love how goofy everyone is. How we can sit around and say really stupid things, and laugh alot. Not the little courtesy chuckles, but ab workout laughing.

I'm addicted to dying my hair, I stopped for about 6 months, and then did it again, thanks Eli. I just put black streaks in my hair, which is really weird and crazy, and kinda not like me. I like it alot, I dont think my parents have noticed yet.

I hate not seeing my friends for extended periods of time, I feel lost. I get bored and don't know what to do.

I am at home alot, by myself, which can be nice, but so boring sometimes.

I do alot of crafty stuff, which can sound lame, but I think it's cool. I love to make stuff that other people are spending outrageous amounts of money for.

I'm really really really frugal. I hardly ever buy anything full price. I'm the clearance rack queen. I find $25 shirts ridiculous, I'd rather go spend that at the thrift store, and get 8 shirts for the price of your one.

I love summer, I love the freedom it brings, and then I get kind of bored and hot, and I long for a change. I love fall, it's the perfect weather most of the time, and I love all the trees changing color, You can look really cute in the fall. I like winter, at first, and then after about a month, I hate it. I absolutely love the first snowfall, I always go outside by myself and walk around the streets, I love being the first one to walk on fresh snow. I like to see the snow fall underneath the street lamps, it's so beautiful, it makes me happy.

I hate roadtrips with my family, and love them with my friends, that needs to happen more.

I hate riding with people in cars, I'd rather drive, if possible. I get bored just sitting there. I like heavy traffic, it's more exciting than mindless driving, down a straight road, with 5 cars. I'm kinda scared to speed, that's what happens when you get pulled over the day after you start driving. I don't like people who are wreckless drivers, it makes me so nervous to ride with them. Constantly changing lanes and going hecka fast....no thanks.

I dont really like turning up music loud, the only times I do like really really loud music, is at shows, and sometimes, in a carful of friends, witht he windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs. I dont see the point, really....

I love my life at times, at others I hate it, I dont like not knowing what is happening. I like the reassurance that God knows.

Well? Go on.

Eli said my blog was ugly. It was feeling self conscious. So it's changed. Happy now, EzE?

Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

"Everyone is Stupid" - James Lee Stone

Why is everyone so stupid?
Why don't they think about things before letting them come out of their inferior little mouths?
Don't they realize that it just makes them look more idiotic?
Obviously not.I really just want to shoot everyone.
I wish there was a smart pill that I could spike all the punch with.
I hate people.

Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

Easter?

Today is Easter, It's not my favorite one. My gramma passed away on Friday, I'm really glad I got to see her, but in a way I wish I didn't, so I could have remembered her when she was healthy and happy. We got here on Monday night and spent a few days with her, she was doing really well.....as well as can be expected, and from there, it just went down. She would try to get up by herself when we werent in the room with her, and once, did a faceplant and scraped her face on the stool. She hadnt lost her sense of humor, even in her last days. I love her. She wasn't doing well on Friday when we left, but we had to be back for church on Sunday. We told her we loved her, and she did as well as she could to tell us the same, she couldn't breathe. We left and about 2 hours later, my uncle called and said "we lost her" we turned around and headed back. Seeing her body, she looked so peaceful. It was weird, of course, but she was suffering so much, I'm actually glad she died and didnt have to go through that anymore, because she wasn't ever gonna get better. She looked like she was taking a nap, I expected her to start snoring at any second, it never happened. I had cried before we left, becaue I knew we'd never see her again, and seeing her body made me cry even more, but I was happy for the peace she was feeling. We were going through her stuff, even when she was alive. I felt horrible doing that, like a vulture, claiming things and looking through her life. It was also fun to find all her old stuff, and go through it. She has a neat history. The onlyt hing i was scared of, when I heard she was dying, was that she might not be saved. Going through her stuff, we found a certificate stating that she had done so, something along those lines. So I'm just holding on to that Baptist theory "Once saved, always saved" Ephesians 1:19 says something like that too. I feel good about it. We had given her this Jesus dvd or something for Christmas, and we found that in her dvd player, and the case underneath her bible, by her bed. That made me feel really good. I hate that she had to suffer, even though it wasn't for long, it was hard to see her struggle for every breath she took.

It kinda gets boring here, not much to do, but I don't really want to leave. At the same time, I really want to go home, and see my friends and what not. I'm pretty sure mom is gonna kinda give me this next week off, woot woot! I'm not looking forward to the drive home....my dad is going to Pheonix for work tonight, so it's just us 4 ladies....maybe I'll work on EzE's hat a bit.

Sorry that this post sucks, you guys prolly dont care about any of that, but....oh well, get over it!

I shall leave you with a quote "It looks like a big tylenol!"

-N Dawg

Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.

well? happy now?

"Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. Of course, the giraffes are acting like they're above it all... The tick birds are pecking on the elephants. I told the elephants to forget it, but they can't. The cheetahs are hard up, but I always say, cheetahs never prosper..." This should be a pretty easy one, I hope....it best be easy

Quote it up

"Tubas are for fat guys with pimples." You'll never get this one, quite old school.

I just wish you could see

I just wish you guys could see what I see
How you are slowly killing yourself
It does you no good
The thrill lasts for a bit, the heartache lasts longer
Come on my side of the window and look in at it
It's pointless, don't you see?
Why do you put yourself through that?
It's as if you enjoy the pain, who would?
Yet you keep going back for more
Just give up, take a hiatus
Until you really see what it needs
What you have to give
How it works
I've been so exposed
It repels me
I see how the bad does more damage, than the good built up
Please just see it through my eyes, dont hurt anymore.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

I've got the password to your heart, you've got mail, I'm here to stay.

I'm sorry, gah!

I have nothing to write about, but eli's getting upset.........let write something.....


I'm so sick of not being more
Tired of this facade
I need variety
My life is like a record, repeating itself over and over
There is no end to this madness
No finale to this suffering
I cant break out of my shell
People will know....Surprise!
I'm not who you thought I was
For years I played with a butter knife instead of taking hold of the sword
The cacoon is ripped
I'm set free
No Longer on the safe side
You'll see my true light
It grew dim before, prepare to see it blaze.....

Hahaha, I'm so lame. I based this whole thing on the butter knife line.....from eli, kinda, I changed it up a bit. Thanks, dad. You spurred stupid writing.


What have I even done lately that's worth talking about? Nothing...
I drew a picture of my mom this week, when she was a senior in H.S. Then I painted an oil picture of me and my sisters, when we were little, my first experience painting people, not the greatest, but not too bad for my first time. Last night I saw Brigadoon with my lady friend, Syd, and Hannah was there. Then we went to Toms, I just realized how we always call it "Tom's house" even if we are going with Hannah or something, at least I do. Anyways, we took Hannah home to Tom's house, and went in and said hi to the boys for a bit. Then Syd took me home and Alyssa and Megan came over and we talked and laughed and ate pizza, Then Syd left, I gave Lys her bday present...um.....we talked some more...gosh I'm lame. Then they left...thennnnnnnnn I came up here, and talked to Sydney for a bit, then I talked to Eli for a bit, then I went to bed, yay.

And here I am......you know how it is.

I shall leave you with a movie quote. (there are 2 people, obviously)

"I believe you are blushing, Mr. Big Artiste. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing."
"He does landscapes."

Thanks for stopping by, San Diego.