I have not wanted to post for quite a while because...well....I'm lazy, and don't really have anything to talk about. I lead quite the boring life.
I um..I made a skirt yesterday, that's cool right? I painted three pictures this last week..one of which is Phil...which is weird, but I couldn't find anything better.
I really don't like Courtney lately. I frequently let her know that as well. She has been pmsing for like..the past year, or so it seems. I really just wanna kick her right in the ovaries...GRRR....
I saw Emily at the FT show last friday..and I hadn't seen her for like.....oh say, 8 or 9 months, so that was definitely neato. We are gonna hang out in the evening of tomorrow.
I threw up a little bit tonight, no surprise....I do it a lot. (EWW GROSS!)
I wish I didn't hate Courtney so much.
I really like Tiger Lilys, like in Peter Pan. Only I'm not really talking about the character....I originally meant the flower, but the character is neat too. If anyone feels the need to get me flowers, ever....get me some kind of lily...or orchid...NO ROSES! Roses are for pansies (pun intended)
What's this quote? Huh?! "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."
I can hear the news downstairs, and a lady in California said she found a finger in her chili at Wendys, and now she's in jail or something.....mmm finger. (Isn't there some kind of cookie type thing called lady fingers?)
Friday, April 22, 2005
Friday, April 01, 2005
All the Cool Kids are doing it
I'm really scared of what people think of me. Most of the time, If I'm feeling confident, it doesn't bother me too much. I tell people I don't care, but I do. I think everyone does, a little.
I'm really moody, alot of people don't know that about me, a few of my really close friends, and my family. That's one of my worst traits, I can be fine around you one second, and then two minutes later, even something as small as you smacking your gum can make me want to strangle you. I have to leave the room alot when I get like that and be by myself so I dont kill someone.
I love my family, most of the time. I'm a lot like my mom which is really scary, and I dont like it alot of the times, but at other times, I'm really glad. We clash alot. She's really negative, and in everything I do, always sees the bad stuff first. Sometimes I want to yell at her and just tell her to see something good in me, for once.
My dad has a really bad temper, I got that from him. He can blow up at any given moment. At other times, he can be really sensitive and just awesome all around. He' s so funny, we do stupid things that irritate my mom and he laughs at it, til his face is red. Then my mom says "don't encourage them". But most of the time we can get her laughing too.
Sometimes I can't stand my oldest sister, Rochelle. She's really naive, it seems. Sometimes I feel like she is a lot younger than me, in certain ways. Some of the things she says just make her sound stupid, and I wan't to laugh in her face. Sometimes we get along really well and have alot of fun. She's really giving, and one of the nicest people ever. I think most of the time, when I hate her, is just because I'm so dang moody.
My sister Courtney can be my best friend, or my enemy. I guess it depends on both of our moods. She's really selfish alot of the times. She does things that hurt our whole family, and it pisses me off so much. Sometimes I want to kill her. She gets in those moods, where everything she does is just to try and make someone mad, I seriously have to hold my hands back to keep from punching her.....if I did, I know she'd just beat me up, she scares me sometimes. She is the one that, when we are both in the right mood, I can have some of the most fun ever with. Neither of us are afraid to "be young" again. We still dress up, when we clean the house, we get dressed up and put on music and dance around like elephants. When we show other people the stupid stuff we do, they dont think it's funny, but it hurts our stomachs, we are laughing so hard. I've cried myself to sleep thinking about how screwed up she is sometimes, how I wish every day with her would be a "good day".
Alot of people know this about my parents, if you ever go to "big church" you know this, because my mom speaks about it sometimes. My mom had an abortion before my parents were married. I have a big sister in heaven. Her name is Jaymie Lyanne Stone. It was an unplanned pregnancy, my parents were still in college, and they had their careers ahead of them. My mom was going to be in the opera.......but shortly after they got married, they got pregnant with my oldest sister, Rochelle, and so basically, they aborted Jaymie for nothing. My mom struggled so much with this, feeling like she was worth nothing. She was really depressed, and said she resented us because we were alive, and Jaymie wasnt. We would go to school when we were little and dictate things to our teachers like, "My mommy sleeps alot" she would get mad at us for little things. I remember when my parents told us about this, I was 9 or 10, and I didnt really understand it, I guess, I was excited because I had an older sister. Later, I got mad, because I had an older sister that I couldn't talk to, or hang out with. Rochelle and Courtney would gang up on me, and I would wish that Jaymie was alive, because I think we would have been really close. Even though I've never met her, I miss her. I used to feel bad if I forgot to think about her, for a day or whatever. I wish she were here.
I can't ever fully trust anyone, even with little things, like them telling me certain things they are gonna do, I've been hurt so many times in my life, that I question everything. This is another thing alot of people dont know about me. I hate the doubt I have in everyone, feeling like they are going to let me down. When they don't, I feel guilty for having those feelings.
I like going to church, seeing people, and hanging out. Like others say though, I do feel like there is a lot of pressure on people to be churchy. I used to fake everything in church, how I was feeling, my relationship with God, because I thought people would hate me if I didn't act that way. Now, if I don't feel it, I don't do it. It doesn't do any good.
I love singing, all the time. It makes me so happy. I love art. Painting and drawing makes me happy. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I have when I spend hours on one thing, and it turns out really cool. I have so much doubt in myself. People tell me that I'm really good at things, or give me compliments. I never believe them. That's where the negativity that I got from my mom kicks in. I don't feel like people are sincere when they compliment me on my art, or my voice, or even how my hair looks that day. I hate being such a negative person, it makes me so mad that I can't just accept everything, and be grateful.
I'm scared of what I will turn out like, the mix of my parents could be deadly, or really awesome. Depending on what I get from each of them. Turning into my own person, and growing up scares me, to death. It also excites me so much. I want to study art, and music, I'm so excited for that, I hope it happens. I am excited to go away from home, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I will do.
I'm a mommy's girl, even though I hate my mom sometimes, when I'm away from her for a really long time, I miss her.
I cry quite often, at times, I like crying, because everything feels so fresh afterwards. I don't like crying in front of people though, because I feel weak.
I love it when people play with my hair, scratch my head, rub my back, I like touchiness. I love hugs, but not the awkward side ones, or the really quick, "I'm hugging you because your arms are open, but I feel really uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna tap your back" ones. I like full contact, squeeze really hard, show 'em you love 'em hugs.
I only have a few people that I can be around for more than a day or two. Constantly being around the same person makes them annoying to me. I hate not liking my friends.
But...I love all of my friends, so much. I love how goofy everyone is. How we can sit around and say really stupid things, and laugh alot. Not the little courtesy chuckles, but ab workout laughing.
I'm addicted to dying my hair, I stopped for about 6 months, and then did it again, thanks Eli. I just put black streaks in my hair, which is really weird and crazy, and kinda not like me. I like it alot, I dont think my parents have noticed yet.
I hate not seeing my friends for extended periods of time, I feel lost. I get bored and don't know what to do.
I am at home alot, by myself, which can be nice, but so boring sometimes.
I do alot of crafty stuff, which can sound lame, but I think it's cool. I love to make stuff that other people are spending outrageous amounts of money for.
I'm really really really frugal. I hardly ever buy anything full price. I'm the clearance rack queen. I find $25 shirts ridiculous, I'd rather go spend that at the thrift store, and get 8 shirts for the price of your one.
I love summer, I love the freedom it brings, and then I get kind of bored and hot, and I long for a change. I love fall, it's the perfect weather most of the time, and I love all the trees changing color, You can look really cute in the fall. I like winter, at first, and then after about a month, I hate it. I absolutely love the first snowfall, I always go outside by myself and walk around the streets, I love being the first one to walk on fresh snow. I like to see the snow fall underneath the street lamps, it's so beautiful, it makes me happy.
I hate roadtrips with my family, and love them with my friends, that needs to happen more.
I hate riding with people in cars, I'd rather drive, if possible. I get bored just sitting there. I like heavy traffic, it's more exciting than mindless driving, down a straight road, with 5 cars. I'm kinda scared to speed, that's what happens when you get pulled over the day after you start driving. I don't like people who are wreckless drivers, it makes me so nervous to ride with them. Constantly changing lanes and going hecka fast....no thanks.
I dont really like turning up music loud, the only times I do like really really loud music, is at shows, and sometimes, in a carful of friends, witht he windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs. I dont see the point, really....
I love my life at times, at others I hate it, I dont like not knowing what is happening. I like the reassurance that God knows.
I'm really moody, alot of people don't know that about me, a few of my really close friends, and my family. That's one of my worst traits, I can be fine around you one second, and then two minutes later, even something as small as you smacking your gum can make me want to strangle you. I have to leave the room alot when I get like that and be by myself so I dont kill someone.
I love my family, most of the time. I'm a lot like my mom which is really scary, and I dont like it alot of the times, but at other times, I'm really glad. We clash alot. She's really negative, and in everything I do, always sees the bad stuff first. Sometimes I want to yell at her and just tell her to see something good in me, for once.
My dad has a really bad temper, I got that from him. He can blow up at any given moment. At other times, he can be really sensitive and just awesome all around. He' s so funny, we do stupid things that irritate my mom and he laughs at it, til his face is red. Then my mom says "don't encourage them". But most of the time we can get her laughing too.
Sometimes I can't stand my oldest sister, Rochelle. She's really naive, it seems. Sometimes I feel like she is a lot younger than me, in certain ways. Some of the things she says just make her sound stupid, and I wan't to laugh in her face. Sometimes we get along really well and have alot of fun. She's really giving, and one of the nicest people ever. I think most of the time, when I hate her, is just because I'm so dang moody.
My sister Courtney can be my best friend, or my enemy. I guess it depends on both of our moods. She's really selfish alot of the times. She does things that hurt our whole family, and it pisses me off so much. Sometimes I want to kill her. She gets in those moods, where everything she does is just to try and make someone mad, I seriously have to hold my hands back to keep from punching her.....if I did, I know she'd just beat me up, she scares me sometimes. She is the one that, when we are both in the right mood, I can have some of the most fun ever with. Neither of us are afraid to "be young" again. We still dress up, when we clean the house, we get dressed up and put on music and dance around like elephants. When we show other people the stupid stuff we do, they dont think it's funny, but it hurts our stomachs, we are laughing so hard. I've cried myself to sleep thinking about how screwed up she is sometimes, how I wish every day with her would be a "good day".
Alot of people know this about my parents, if you ever go to "big church" you know this, because my mom speaks about it sometimes. My mom had an abortion before my parents were married. I have a big sister in heaven. Her name is Jaymie Lyanne Stone. It was an unplanned pregnancy, my parents were still in college, and they had their careers ahead of them. My mom was going to be in the opera.......but shortly after they got married, they got pregnant with my oldest sister, Rochelle, and so basically, they aborted Jaymie for nothing. My mom struggled so much with this, feeling like she was worth nothing. She was really depressed, and said she resented us because we were alive, and Jaymie wasnt. We would go to school when we were little and dictate things to our teachers like, "My mommy sleeps alot" she would get mad at us for little things. I remember when my parents told us about this, I was 9 or 10, and I didnt really understand it, I guess, I was excited because I had an older sister. Later, I got mad, because I had an older sister that I couldn't talk to, or hang out with. Rochelle and Courtney would gang up on me, and I would wish that Jaymie was alive, because I think we would have been really close. Even though I've never met her, I miss her. I used to feel bad if I forgot to think about her, for a day or whatever. I wish she were here.
I can't ever fully trust anyone, even with little things, like them telling me certain things they are gonna do, I've been hurt so many times in my life, that I question everything. This is another thing alot of people dont know about me. I hate the doubt I have in everyone, feeling like they are going to let me down. When they don't, I feel guilty for having those feelings.
I like going to church, seeing people, and hanging out. Like others say though, I do feel like there is a lot of pressure on people to be churchy. I used to fake everything in church, how I was feeling, my relationship with God, because I thought people would hate me if I didn't act that way. Now, if I don't feel it, I don't do it. It doesn't do any good.
I love singing, all the time. It makes me so happy. I love art. Painting and drawing makes me happy. I love the feeling of accomplishment that I have when I spend hours on one thing, and it turns out really cool. I have so much doubt in myself. People tell me that I'm really good at things, or give me compliments. I never believe them. That's where the negativity that I got from my mom kicks in. I don't feel like people are sincere when they compliment me on my art, or my voice, or even how my hair looks that day. I hate being such a negative person, it makes me so mad that I can't just accept everything, and be grateful.
I'm scared of what I will turn out like, the mix of my parents could be deadly, or really awesome. Depending on what I get from each of them. Turning into my own person, and growing up scares me, to death. It also excites me so much. I want to study art, and music, I'm so excited for that, I hope it happens. I am excited to go away from home, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I will do.
I'm a mommy's girl, even though I hate my mom sometimes, when I'm away from her for a really long time, I miss her.
I cry quite often, at times, I like crying, because everything feels so fresh afterwards. I don't like crying in front of people though, because I feel weak.
I love it when people play with my hair, scratch my head, rub my back, I like touchiness. I love hugs, but not the awkward side ones, or the really quick, "I'm hugging you because your arms are open, but I feel really uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna tap your back" ones. I like full contact, squeeze really hard, show 'em you love 'em hugs.
I only have a few people that I can be around for more than a day or two. Constantly being around the same person makes them annoying to me. I hate not liking my friends.
But...I love all of my friends, so much. I love how goofy everyone is. How we can sit around and say really stupid things, and laugh alot. Not the little courtesy chuckles, but ab workout laughing.
I'm addicted to dying my hair, I stopped for about 6 months, and then did it again, thanks Eli. I just put black streaks in my hair, which is really weird and crazy, and kinda not like me. I like it alot, I dont think my parents have noticed yet.
I hate not seeing my friends for extended periods of time, I feel lost. I get bored and don't know what to do.
I am at home alot, by myself, which can be nice, but so boring sometimes.
I do alot of crafty stuff, which can sound lame, but I think it's cool. I love to make stuff that other people are spending outrageous amounts of money for.
I'm really really really frugal. I hardly ever buy anything full price. I'm the clearance rack queen. I find $25 shirts ridiculous, I'd rather go spend that at the thrift store, and get 8 shirts for the price of your one.
I love summer, I love the freedom it brings, and then I get kind of bored and hot, and I long for a change. I love fall, it's the perfect weather most of the time, and I love all the trees changing color, You can look really cute in the fall. I like winter, at first, and then after about a month, I hate it. I absolutely love the first snowfall, I always go outside by myself and walk around the streets, I love being the first one to walk on fresh snow. I like to see the snow fall underneath the street lamps, it's so beautiful, it makes me happy.
I hate roadtrips with my family, and love them with my friends, that needs to happen more.
I hate riding with people in cars, I'd rather drive, if possible. I get bored just sitting there. I like heavy traffic, it's more exciting than mindless driving, down a straight road, with 5 cars. I'm kinda scared to speed, that's what happens when you get pulled over the day after you start driving. I don't like people who are wreckless drivers, it makes me so nervous to ride with them. Constantly changing lanes and going hecka fast....no thanks.
I dont really like turning up music loud, the only times I do like really really loud music, is at shows, and sometimes, in a carful of friends, witht he windows rolled down, singing at the top of our lungs. I dont see the point, really....
I love my life at times, at others I hate it, I dont like not knowing what is happening. I like the reassurance that God knows.
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