sing like you think no one's listening.

That title is a favorite line from a Straylight Run song. I used to listen to them all the time and hardly ever do now, but I wish I could take that advice and apply it all the time. I'm a lot more self conscious than probably anyone realizes. Including myself. I wish that weren't the case, and I don't really have anything legitimate to blame it on, so we'll just go with that as being a fact of life.

There are so many times when I wish I had more confidence in myself and even in other people. I have lately been worried about turning out to be a failure. Or not even necessarily that, but just not successful. I know that if I go by the standards of America I never will be, because let's face it, I'm going to be a vocalist. I try to pretend like I don't care what other people think, but I think that's impossible for anyone to fully achieve. If you think you have, you're likely in denial.

I guess I also have a really hard time actually trusting people. I feel like I've told people about this, but just saying it doesn't help anything. I think I've been let down too many times by people that I thought were incapable of such things. I don't know. It's probably also a personal problem. One that I have not yet been able to pick apart and understand.

I miss a lot of people that used to be those constants in my life. Now they are just the ones that I make small talk with and occasionally meet for coffee to go a bit deeper. I think though, that with a bit of age and maturity, I've gained some insight in how to deal better with current relationships. It's really re-assuring to know that there are somewhat easy ways to work things out instead of running from problems, which seems to have been my example from a few different people throughout my life. The biggest screw up with me is not communicating with someone when they have done something that bothers me. I'm an extremely timid person and really hate confrontation, so I'm used to just trying to deal with it. That's never worked and I'm finally kind of realizing what it takes.

It feels weird writing all of this down for people to read. I don't even know why I do, but whatever.

College is coming and I'm ecstatic.